Things Men Say That Make Me Suicidal

Things men say that make me suicidal.
1. I'll call you back. Of course you will, just like you said you'd take out the trash and change the light bulb in the bathroom that has been out for so long I've become accustomed to bathing in candlelight. This one is fairly simple boys. It does not take a huge commitment to deliver on this promise. Although I'm sure the Laker's game is more entertaining than calling your poor girlfriend who has been washing your skid mark boxers all day, we're not asking for much here. Dial the number, find out if we haven't drowned in the endless chasm of housework you've left us to do, tell us thank you for waiting up for you since we just relish the idea of being woken up in the middle of the night to get that sloppy beer breath kiss or submit to your drunk come ons, and hang up. I understand you feel extremely burdened that you have to let us know when you'll be home or why you're late but trust me, we understand the dynamics of burdens all too well so for your sake and ours, give us a break and make the 10 second call.

2. Stop nagging me! So your girlfriend tells you to do something. A simple resolution to this overwhelming demand? Do it. Most of the tasks we ask you to perform are relatively easy and hardly time consuming considering we know you have the skills of a retarded handyman at best, and the attention span of a mosquito. Because we ask so little of you and recognize your limited capabilities, we expect the task to be done before the next millennium and when it is not, you have to assume that the "nagging" you have so much disdain for is just our patience running out. So test us a little longer and I promise we won't nag, we'll just dump you for one of the hot carpenters that hit on us last time we went to Home Depot to pick up the tools that YOU failed to remember to bring home.

3. When did I EVER do/say/not do/not say THAT??. It's no mystery guys, that females have a much better memory than you so please spare us with these ridiculous antics. We probably catalogued every offense you made in our secret journal anyways (the one where we curse the day we met you and write out our fantasies with the Home Depot guy). When we are arguing with you about a specific detail, just trust that we are almost always certain the transgression occurred and all you are really doing by denying it is delaying your inevitable apology which only leads to further postponement of the mutually enjoyable make up sex. I have a feeling this little pointer will stick in your head the most out of all of them. I wonder why. Hornballs.

4. You always pick your girls over me. Boo hoo..I thought you guys were supposed to be independent and self sufficient. Look, we don't mean to offend you but ever since you got comfortable and stopped flirting and paying attention to us, you are just not that much fun anymore. We like to hang out with our girls because they make us laugh, they don't ask for massages or make us get up out of the warm bed to bring them a glass of water, and we get to finally vent about YOU. And yes, even though we come home and tell you that of course no one made a pass at us, truth is, they probably did and we enjoyed every second of it because recently, its the only way someone lets us know we are attractive. So reflect on this point as a mathematical function--compliments and appreciation are indirectly related to soliciting attention from men other than you (attention being the dependent variable). Because of this night of venting, we are able to come back to you free of tension and relieved from the pressures of dating your almost unbearable species. In addition, we usually come back thankful that you don't have some of the issues our friends' boyfriends have and have a new sense of appreciation for you. Is that such a bad thing? And please don't forget the millions of times we have blown our friends off for you..just because we don't throw it in your face and make it painfully aware to you that we are making a sacrifice, does not mean we didn't.

5. I'm sorry. This one seems like a good thing right? Wrong. Especially when the sorry is just an obvious attempt to end the argument. Don't get me wrong, I am completely aware of the frustration you guys have with having to deal with yet another one of our issues for the next two hours, but the fact is, we need a proper solution because unlike you, we don't like to have the same dispute over and over again. So really, we're doing you a favor by having to force your brain cells to stop playing mortal combat with each other and focus on the task at hand, which is coming to a complete resolution and realizing that the behavior you are having to say sorry for is just going to repeat itself unless you fully understand why what you did was just so stupid/wrong/insensitive/(insert gripe here). And don't worry, we are willing to go through the same hell when we are wrong but when we say sorry, it will take half the time to realize our wrongdoing, the sin we committed will likely be unrepeated, hence our sorry will actually mean sorry.

Unfortunately, in some shape or form, I'm conscious of the fact that we all have these same grievances towards the opposite sex and I am not denying that women have just as many infuriating relationship behavior traits, it's just that I'm not thrilled to point out all my flaws as part of the female species to the public..so I'd rather point out yours :) Ok, I gotta run...I have to go pick up a fixture from Home Depot ;)