Solitary Assignment

Too many times I've wanted to do something but didn't do it because there wasn't anyone to do it with. Today I made a conscious decision to do more things solo. Whether I go out to eat, check out a museum exhibit, or watch a movie I've been dying to see, enjoying my own company can't be that bad can it? I never did get to see that damn corpse flower bloom because no one else seemed as enthusiastic about viewing a flower that smelled of rotting flesh..go figure. I never got to have wings last week because no one else nearby was in the mood..utterly disappointing. This week, I really want to see The Last Exorcism....ehhh..on second thought, maybe I'll forgo going as a onesome to this particular activity so I'm not scared shitless in the movie theater by myself.

I went on my first outdoor jog alone last week and surprisingly, it wasn't as mundane as I thought it would be. It's actually pretty entertaining in here (pointing to head). Have you ever been completely alone with your thoughts and thought about absolute nonsense? I have. I think I spent a whole 2 minutes thinking about how random some of my thoughts were and then they proceeded to get even more bizarre as I thought about the random thinking I just did and then further thought about how thinking is such a weird and complex phenomenon and then I confused myself and moved onto a new topic: Running really sucks. Alone or not. As a result, I'm not as opposed to running by myself now since I know having company really won't distract me from the inherent torture that is running, in the Texas heat. If anything, running alone allows me to complain to myself continuously, something I would have held myself back from doing had there been someone with me. It was all that bitching I did in my head that really made my run go by faster, you see. No one likes to hang out with bitchiness for too long..not even your bitchy self.

Part of the reason I miss being in a relationship is because of all the things I feel I could do with that person and how exciting it sounds to have a companion to share my hobbies with. Maybe if I started enjoying those same things by myself, I wouldn't miss having someone around to do them with as much. Maybe not. But at least I'd gain a better understanding of myself in those situations and can say I've experienced it and now know which is better. Don't get me wrong, there are some things that just aren't meant for one person. I'd probably never go to a bar alone for fear of being mistaken for a hooker looking for a date. I probably also wouldn't play volleyball alone since that would be incredibly exhausting. I also wouldn't have conversations by myself since that would mean I'm schizophrenic. All these things aside, I think I may emerge from this little experiment figuring out that some things are incredibly fulfilling while unaccompanied. Or maybe I'll realize that I bore myself to death and plunge into a deep, self loathing, depression. Either way, I think I'll come out knowing myself a little better if nothing else and a little self perspective can't hurt...unless you really are incredibly boring (or bitchy).

We are what we art

I believe the preference of art usually comes from one's own propensity towards specific characteristics of the preferred style. Upon evaluating my own choices in these areas, I began to recognize distinctive patterns; patterns that reflected my very own nature. For instance, I've always been drawn to Cubism art which is generally known for its angular, broken glass, abstract appearance. Its style has been referred to as "methodical destruction". What an appropriate word to describe me I thought, when I saw it sitting on my screen in perfect contradiction. I have a tendency to break things up, analyze the fragments, and reassemble them in a manner which creates new wholes that form different impressions, much like the effect of Cubism art. I am by no means saying I have the vision of revolutionary artists like Picasso or Braque, however, I can definitely relate. Unlike them, I try to draw my pictures with words, and often find that I am tangled up in a blurred, and broken patch of literary confusion that somehow makes perfect sense to me. I imagine these Cubism artists to have had the same affinity for that type of haphazard, yet logical reconstruction of ideas. Their pieces can always be viewed in a multitude of perspectives, leaving it up to the audience to decide which standpoint they relate to the most. When I think of how I prefer to communicate with people, I find similarities to that particular artistic intent as well. Offering different perspectives, alongside my own, I urge others to figure out which point of view they can identify with themselves and encourage them to follow that line of thought until it results in a decision or realization.

Cubism marks the first real beginning to abstract art, which to me, also reveals the relationship between what is logical and what is seemingly chaotic. As I search for words to describe certain beliefs I have, I often find it difficult to communicate my abstract ideas. It's as if I need to illustrate it somehow, whether with colorful metaphors or with a flow chart on a piece of paper. Each successive idea makes sense but when you step back and look at it as one unit, there are infinite places to start and stop, and to the unfamiliar, may even look nonrepresentational as a whole.

I guess what draws me to this particular brand of art is the misunderstood contradictions. If I'm ever asked to describe myself, I almost always end up using tons of contrasting descriptors. Personally, I love contradictions. I think it's fascinating to have diametrically opposing beliefs because I don't think thought is always meant to be congruent. Perfect representation is elusive for a reason. Our ability to perceive things from an unbounded number of angles is what makes the world more interesting.

These Thoughts

These Thoughts

Not really nightmares, not quite dreams
These thoughts of happiness, torn apart at the seams.
Closing my eyes, trying to erase these sweet memories,
They taunt me and tickle me, as if they’re my enemies.

Like little children tugging at their mothers’ shirts,
Except these thoughts are sinister, the biggest flirts.
Trying to ignore them, I keep pushing them away,
Like unwanted houseguests, they keep wanting to stay.

Circling, lowering, clawing me apart,
These thoughts are like scavengers, feeding off of my heart.
Each one trying to replace what was left from before,
My memories keep fighting back, my will is growing sore.

Tossing them, neglecting them, I even attack,
Like a boomerang, these thoughts just keep coming right back.
Turned off the light, pretended not to be home,
They came in through the window; they came in through this poem.

I scream “go away”, tell them to stop knocking on my door,
I guess these thoughts are a part of me, forever more.
Surrendering and yielding, I hope they’ll soon get bored,
But they’ll never detach, they’ll never cut the cord.

I lock them up in my mind, and throw away the key,
But these thoughts somehow just keep getting free.
They’re growing old alongside me, whether I like it or not,
I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of these pestering, sweet thoughts.

Response to chain letters

Alright...so I have a lot of patience when it comes to most things but annoying, repetitive, fake ass, chain mails is not one of them. This is my response to the last chain mail I hope to ever receive.


OMG Guys!!!

I forwarded the email and received a rubber chicken with a $3000.00 check attached to it in the mail! The chicken also had a note stuck up its butt that said if I kissed it three times, my true love was going to appear within 5 mins. That's when the garbage truck drove by and the most handsome garbage man I've ever seen locked eyes with me. I knew I had found my soul mate in that instance.

After we proceeded to fall in love right in front of my trashcan, I noticed that Mars was visible to the naked eye..an event that only occurs one in a million times!!! As we stood there hand in hand, ogling this miracle of nature, my phone in my pocket buzzed and alerted me to a new email notification. Yes everyone...Umbaroni Takadinashoonan Jiggashurashanom Smith, Attorney at law from Uganda, told me that an uncle I never knew I had, passed away and because I was the only kin he could locate, I would be the sole inheritor of the sum of $29,500,000!! Obviously, I immediately supplied all of my bank account information to the honorable Mr. Smith and am anxiously awaiting my check in the mail!

Just when I thought nothing could make this day better, Elvis Presley walked out of the house next to me in his robe, picked up the newspaper and waved to me!

So folks..PLEASE PLEASE forward this message!!! As you can see..it changed my entire life. As an incentive..I will keep track of this email and for every recipient that you have forwarded this message to, I will donate 1 sock to the "National Dryer Ate One of My Socks Foundation" and you will have contributed to the life of some poor, unfortunate, sockless human being.


Now make a wish after this series of asterisks and FORWARD!!!

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War of the Hyderabads

Lipi: why are there two hyderabads..that's bullshit
one is in india and one is in pakistan
that could be a life or death situation for someone who says they are from hyderabad
it could mean the difference between being a paki or an indian

keyur: i had no idea

Lipi: it's true
i think the one that was named second should be forced to change their name to avoid confusion
don't u?

keyur: ill have to wikipedia it

Lipi: why..u dont believe me?
what kind of sick joke would that be

keyur: no i mean which one was first

Lipi: oh
let me know when u find out

keyur: hyderabad, pakistan - 1768
hyderabad, india - 1591
WE WIN

Lipi: yes
i knew we were better

keyur: when i saw 1768 first, i got scared
thats pretty old

Lipi: now who is going to draft the letter to the losing hyderabad

keyur: you are the one who writes well

Lipi: fine..ill do it

Lipi: ok..i have written it

keyur: alrite


Dear Pakistan,

I am writing this letter to inform you that we, the Indians, are aware of your deceptive practice of copying our city names. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but we do not appreciate this particular instance of impersonation. After conducting careful research, we have determined that your city of Hyderabad was named well after our beautiful city. For this reason, we insist you change the name of your Hyderabad immediately, and please, try not to copy us this time. As I am sure you are well aware of, India and Pakistan are not friends. We do not appreciate living next door to you let alone being associated with your cities that are undoubtedly inhabited by terrorists and devil incarnates. We hope that this matter will be resolved appropriately and promptly and that we can now cease any further communication with your kind. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
India

P.S. Kashmir is ours bitches.


Keyur: i dont know what to say

Lipi: now..if only i had pakistan's email address

keyur.gajera: what is indias email

Lipi: india@gmail.com


The End.

Free Me

Free Me

Salty cheeks, eyes were drowning,
Couldn't stare at life's grin while I was frowning.
The eye of the storm rattled deep in my chest,
Another one of life's cruel, wagering tests.

Blood was boiling, thoughts were on fire,
lost part of myself I used to admire.
Strike me lightning, jolt me into the living,
Anything to get my passion to resume breathing.

Take me from now, drop me off into back then
I want to curl up with stability again.
Naivety my shield, bliss was my mask,
now exposed to reality's thumb tacks.

Lava in my veins, laced well with the antidote,
Can't reach me yet, my fears built around me a moat.
Touch me dear sanity, I long for your fingers,
Hack away this brush in which my sourness lingers.

Parasitic pain, you nestle in my bitterness
Free me from your grasp, release me from this jitteriness.
Facing it once again, my inner tug-o-war,
Only a matter of time, before my weakness will roar.

Things Men Say That Make Me Suicidal

Things men say that make me suicidal.
1. I'll call you back. Of course you will, just like you said you'd take out the trash and change the light bulb in the bathroom that has been out for so long I've become accustomed to bathing in candlelight. This one is fairly simple boys. It does not take a huge commitment to deliver on this promise. Although I'm sure the Laker's game is more entertaining than calling your poor girlfriend who has been washing your skid mark boxers all day, we're not asking for much here. Dial the number, find out if we haven't drowned in the endless chasm of housework you've left us to do, tell us thank you for waiting up for you since we just relish the idea of being woken up in the middle of the night to get that sloppy beer breath kiss or submit to your drunk come ons, and hang up. I understand you feel extremely burdened that you have to let us know when you'll be home or why you're late but trust me, we understand the dynamics of burdens all too well so for your sake and ours, give us a break and make the 10 second call.

2. Stop nagging me! So your girlfriend tells you to do something. A simple resolution to this overwhelming demand? Do it. Most of the tasks we ask you to perform are relatively easy and hardly time consuming considering we know you have the skills of a retarded handyman at best, and the attention span of a mosquito. Because we ask so little of you and recognize your limited capabilities, we expect the task to be done before the next millennium and when it is not, you have to assume that the "nagging" you have so much disdain for is just our patience running out. So test us a little longer and I promise we won't nag, we'll just dump you for one of the hot carpenters that hit on us last time we went to Home Depot to pick up the tools that YOU failed to remember to bring home.

3. When did I EVER do/say/not do/not say THAT??. It's no mystery guys, that females have a much better memory than you so please spare us with these ridiculous antics. We probably catalogued every offense you made in our secret journal anyways (the one where we curse the day we met you and write out our fantasies with the Home Depot guy). When we are arguing with you about a specific detail, just trust that we are almost always certain the transgression occurred and all you are really doing by denying it is delaying your inevitable apology which only leads to further postponement of the mutually enjoyable make up sex. I have a feeling this little pointer will stick in your head the most out of all of them. I wonder why. Hornballs.

4. You always pick your girls over me. Boo hoo..I thought you guys were supposed to be independent and self sufficient. Look, we don't mean to offend you but ever since you got comfortable and stopped flirting and paying attention to us, you are just not that much fun anymore. We like to hang out with our girls because they make us laugh, they don't ask for massages or make us get up out of the warm bed to bring them a glass of water, and we get to finally vent about YOU. And yes, even though we come home and tell you that of course no one made a pass at us, truth is, they probably did and we enjoyed every second of it because recently, its the only way someone lets us know we are attractive. So reflect on this point as a mathematical function--compliments and appreciation are indirectly related to soliciting attention from men other than you (attention being the dependent variable). Because of this night of venting, we are able to come back to you free of tension and relieved from the pressures of dating your almost unbearable species. In addition, we usually come back thankful that you don't have some of the issues our friends' boyfriends have and have a new sense of appreciation for you. Is that such a bad thing? And please don't forget the millions of times we have blown our friends off for you..just because we don't throw it in your face and make it painfully aware to you that we are making a sacrifice, does not mean we didn't.

5. I'm sorry. This one seems like a good thing right? Wrong. Especially when the sorry is just an obvious attempt to end the argument. Don't get me wrong, I am completely aware of the frustration you guys have with having to deal with yet another one of our issues for the next two hours, but the fact is, we need a proper solution because unlike you, we don't like to have the same dispute over and over again. So really, we're doing you a favor by having to force your brain cells to stop playing mortal combat with each other and focus on the task at hand, which is coming to a complete resolution and realizing that the behavior you are having to say sorry for is just going to repeat itself unless you fully understand why what you did was just so stupid/wrong/insensitive/(insert gripe here). And don't worry, we are willing to go through the same hell when we are wrong but when we say sorry, it will take half the time to realize our wrongdoing, the sin we committed will likely be unrepeated, hence our sorry will actually mean sorry.

Unfortunately, in some shape or form, I'm conscious of the fact that we all have these same grievances towards the opposite sex and I am not denying that women have just as many infuriating relationship behavior traits, it's just that I'm not thrilled to point out all my flaws as part of the female species to the public..so I'd rather point out yours :) Ok, I gotta run...I have to go pick up a fixture from Home Depot ;)